Evil can be fun....

absent minded...

2007-03-12T16:33:15Z

yeah i totally didn't think about this until like I don't know...today... I have to update all my friends...well at least some of them. Grumble. Sucks. Today should be interesting...I get to call school and work. Yay...wahoo...how exciting. Or not. I am trying to decide when i should call school...i am kinda sorta nervous about it cause i don't want them to deny my request. I think I am going to go chill at auntie laura's and tonight after I get home from mikes house I can update everyone and let them know that I am back....again. Lol.

fixing...

2007-03-12T11:23:20Z

so i totally had a conversation with the boy about shit. We will see how it works out. It sucks cause his first girlfriend totally broke him in the sexual creativity area...i think its cause he was creative and they still broke up so he just decided it wasn't worth it. Sigh. I hate how ex's always fucking fuck with them, and sadly it would seem as though I only date guys who have been broken by someone else. I mean she totally changed him, which sucks for me. I don't think i have that effect which figures. Sigh. oh school is fucked. I missed the withdrawal date. Grumble. I am going to try to bullshit my way into getting them to let me withdrawal anyways. I plan on saying that the system fucked up, because I had gone in and dropped them, but i guess they didn't drop, and I didn't find out until I went to go and look at my pace form to see what classes i still need and found that i was still registered. i am hoping they will accept that. Otherwise I am going to try to pull a hardship withdrawal since i owe my dad so much money and I am having financial hardship...which is actually true. If they let me drop I will be able to work more, which means earning more money, which means I can pay my bills and have money left over. YAY!

Lies

2007-03-10T21:27:36Z

Lies lies and more lies. Someone shoot me and get it over with. "trust me" he says. Well I am sorry, but i can't. He lies. Not to mention he is a porn junkie. sigh. grand. Its sad how i just roll over and deal with shit. This is why love sucks. Shit I so wish I was more of a bitch sometimes, because then I could shove the fact that I know all this shit down his throat and let him know that I do indeed know he is lying. Shoot me. My good day fell down. And to think I thought things were going to change. Hope is a bitch. And guys suck..they always let you down. Always. Grand.

lizzibear @ 2007-03-09T11:56:00

2007-03-09T16:56:44Z

decided i might as well start posting shit again. lol. haven't got anything else to do since oh i don't know...my life sucks. lol.
Nyhoo. nothing much is really going on other than me hanging out with mikes aunt a lot, and my planning of deviuos revenge plans. Yeah. I don't like liars, and go figure I am dating one. Sigh. But hey what can i say, it was my own fault. The sad thing is that I give chance after chance for him to redeem himself or clear the slate and let him start over, but go figure the very next day he fucks up. But what can I say, he is a guy.
Oh...the really funny thing is, and I am sure ya'll so don't want to know this, but too fucking bad, he apparently thinks incredibly perverted...which i was way excited about when i started dating him, go figure..no difference than the other...vanilla. Sigh. I mean damn. Its really fucking sad. And keep on asking myself exactly why am i still here? I mean really. THen I remember oh wait...i don't fuckign give up.
To make things better, a friend taught me a nifty trick with looking up history. I got caught sneaking, and talked about having to figure out how to get back to a page that I had gotten out of...yeah...true...kinda. But i figure if the fucker can lie flat out than what the fuck why cant i manipulate the truth. Oh and naturally i move things around in his room slightly so that I can tell when um shit has happened. Sigh. Failled the damn test again. I mean shit. He is failing shit left and right. But i still forgive and I still give him chance after chance. I mean damn the boy isn't even all that interested in me anymore. And that fucks with my head big time. BIG time. So today I feel like shit on the bottom of someones shoe. That is an understatement.
I mean I go from a distant omitting asshole (no offense to him, we get along great now) to a lying closed off asshole. I mean What the fuck do I do? Really. I don't know. I am running out of excuses for him. And I really do love him...which sucks more. OHHHH have i mentioned how i hate exes. I always get the damn doggy bag. The left overs from someone else. Its not fair. At all. I think i am going to send him a text message about how i still think i got the left overs. I am begining to think things would be a lot better for me if i was a damn bitch. It seems they get the better end of shit. They get tresated better, they get chased after. I am fucking too nice, and I get the left overs. I get thrown the occasional bone here and there. anyhoo i am going to go over to his aunts house and chit chat with here about how she should have a great day, since at least her boyfriend has everything out on the table. sigh. I just wanna curl up and disappear. And sometimes I wonder why I am still here, I mean all i do is make everyones life harder because I finally have enough of quietly getting fucked over and say something. Sigh. I continue to float in and out of a very very bad place. But I hang on, because I don't want to hurt people by having another breakdown. So I just quietly live in agony. Sigh. Ah the wonders of my life. And I really thought I got the good end of shit this time. That what hurts so much. nyhoo be back later!

lizzibear @ 2005-09-10T14:12:00

2005-09-10T18:12:44Z

hehehe- so i ended up cuddling with Sydney instead. It was nice.

lizzibear @ 2005-09-09T22:53:00

2005-09-10T02:56:18Z

Some boys suck--some boys rock. Its all about finding the ones who WANT a relationship and who aren't complete assholes. Right now...I just want someone to cuddle with...the way its looking Im going to be cuddling with heidi. Aren't I sad?:
SIDE NOTE: Laura gave me caffinated gum....and now im scarily hyper.
PS: Heidi thinks her brother has a crush on me....HAHAHAHAHA. Thats just plain out funny.

lizzibear @ 2005-09-08T19:39:00

2005-09-08T23:39:57Z

Is it bad when I wake up from a nap and get pissed that Im still here?

Where I am right now.

2005-09-08T17:16:22Z

Dimly I can hear the bubbling from the water dispenser, the click of tape being ripped and the faint shuffle of papers. There are murmering voices in the distance, garbled together and impossible to understand. The swish of somone walking bpast and somewhere a door clunks as it closes. But I am far far away, for I have once again disappeared into a world of darkness and gloom. A place where there is no hope to filter through like a ray of sunlight. A place whre happiness from a memory of before can only temporarily penetrate. It is only a step up from utter emptiness, it is a wretched world, full of pain and constant disapointment. Deep down the dark crevice (sp?) that holds the empitness at bay gurgles and I feel the hollow feeling of utter nothingness. It is only breif and then the pain, the loneliness, the disappointment, and all the dark and depressed feelings crep back. And I am once again drowning in a sea of black waters. In this world there is nothing more to life bu the sea of depression and a never ending cloud of pain.

lizzibear @ 2005-09-07T18:39:00

2005-09-08T01:39:58Z

This is a direct quote:
"You'rer a nutcase".

lizzibear @ 2005-09-07T13:19:00

2005-09-07T20:19:32Z

sigh.

lizzibear @ 2005-09-06T15:00:00

2005-09-06T19:08:34Z

Im so bored its ridiculous. I wanted to stay in bed all day and hide from the world. But heidi and her mom dragged me out and off I went to school. Oh well. Ive gone to 2 of my classes. Am skipping the third one and going to the last one...well at least as much as I can handle with out going batshit crazy. Sigh. Oh and I found out the only day Im working this week is tonight from like 11 to 2am.
I made a dentist appt. for oct. 12th--i don't want to go.
I need to make an appt. with a damn psychiatrist- the other one never called me back. WHich sucks ass. But whatever. I'll do that tomorrow with the heidi.
I really wanna go home and sleep.
If I hadn't already skipped applied psych twice I would probably have just called my mom and seen if she could pick me up from marta and let me go and sleep. Sigh. Sleep is so safe.
Oh yeah. I called my grandmother. I wish I hadn't. She couldn't barely hear me. I dunno what Im going to do. I mean. I love my grandmother soooo much--and she can't see anymore, and she can barely hear. Sigh. I really don't know. But yeah. I dunno how her health is doing besides the sight and hearing--she wouldn't tell me. Which isn't promising.
Oh my dad told me last night when I went to dinner that my great aunt is dying. She has some sort of cancer. She's pretty nifty so that will be damn sad too.

Sigh.

2005-09-06T16:22:17Z

Its been two days.

lizzibear @ 2005-09-03T16:15:00

2005-09-03T20:15:13Z

ugh. No work...bored. travis has a headache. that is all.

lizzibear @ 2005-09-01T15:59:00

2005-09-01T20:01:12Z

I am so not okay. I can't even hold it together. I so don't even know him anymore. I just want to go home and cry. I am a mess. What have I done wrong to deserve this?

The word for me....

2005-09-01T19:26:34Z

I give up.
I really do.
You know when something is really important...even though its retarted...and you've asked and asked...and yet you still can't have it. Yeah. So I give up. I don't have the energy to fight for it. I can't even sit through an entire class. I am a pitiful excuse for a human.

lizzibear @ 2005-09-01T14:14:00

2005-09-01T18:14:29Z

Shoot me. I thought I was doing better. Now I just want to cry. I am trying to stay up and together...Im not doing so great. Edit: I am failing miserably.

AHHHH

2005-08-31T17:09:12Z

I AM SO BORED AND MY BRAIN is going insane. Like INSANE. Its not cool. At all. I am thinking its from meds, and Im hoping that once my body gets used to it, it won't go insane anymore. Lol. Grumble. I am soooooo bored. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO bored. I should do something like do school work--but i dunna feel like it. Grumble. Maybe I'll go lay down some more and wallow.

dodododo

2005-08-31T15:32:29Z

I just woke up. I feel a little more clearheaded which is good, cause I don't feel like my brain is foggy. Grumble.
Um whatelse. Oh, ms. heidi watcheded tv with me last night after we got home--and we made fun of spoiled bitch girls. That cheered me up emensly. Me staying here has been a really good idea. Heidi is around most of the time--so I don't really have a chance to get depressed--once again--a very very good thing.
My daddy is apparently looking for a car for me, I feel so bad about them being so desperate to please me. I almost feel like I am taking advantage of them. Sigh. WHy oh why do I have to have to feel guilty so easily? Sigh.
Anyhoo. I dunno what Im going to do until like 4--which is when I think heidi gets off....probably watch tv...be bored...and surf the internet for hours. Lol.

People depress me beyond reason.

2005-08-30T20:14:27Z

Sigh. I give up. I am not having a good day. I want to go back to where I was this weekend. I didn't have to deal with hurt there. And right now i am hurting. I wish heidi wasn't in class, I could use a hug. Like now. Sigh. Im trying I really am. I suck though, so its not going to well.

I doin okay

2005-08-30T20:02:20Z

Im trying really hard to keep cheerful and not get depressed--its not really working--but I AM trying.
Um lets see. Today hasn't been too bad--i think the weather and such is really sapping on my mood. Which isn't all the great, considering I am supposed to stay cheerful and try and not get down again. Sigh. Grumble. Oh well. Im working on it.

Sigh.

2005-08-30T16:18:43Z

Im staying at heidi's right now...so that I don't relapse. I figure its kinda nice though. The comforts of living at home...and none of the frustrations.
I saw travis last night...he was sweet...which was good, cause I think heidi would have shot him if he upset me.
Yeah thats all.

lizzibear @ 2005-08-26T23:39:00

2005-08-27T03:44:24Z

I am freezing to death. Literally.
My nails are purple. I am shaking.
I am finishing what I started. I was an idiot for ever thinking I could truely trust someone. An idiot for thinking that for once in my life if i opened up it would be okay. I was a plain out idiot.
I am crushed. My everything decided he didn't want to be my everything.
I hurt. More than you can imagine.
But its okay. The fact that he lied to me again.
The fact that he decided to not to show any sympathy any kindness towards me even though he knows all of what is going on in my life...that has destroyed me.
So I am ending what I started. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of being so alone. I am tired. And I can't do it anymore. So I give up. I give in. He wins.
I guess I'll live up to what apparently everyone I loves thinks I am...a selfish, manipulative bitch. Goodbye.

lizzibear @ 2005-08-26T22:49:00

2005-08-27T02:58:11Z

Okay, I am trying really hard to be strong. Really really hard. But its not working. At all. Like I am trying to keep it together and I am failing hopelessly. Ive eaten all of a few potato chips...those didn't stay in my stomach for long though. I don't know what to do. LIke I really don't. I am almost thinking of just going and checking into the damn hospital like my all of my doctors agree I should do. That way I can just lay there. THe problem is that if i do that, I dunno what I am going to do about school. LIke I have to stay enrolled full time in school or else they will drop me. Plus I dunno what I would tell my parents. Jesus. Why. Why. Why. Does everything have to be so hard. Why do I have to feel so fucking alone. ANd why do I have to do this all by my fuckign self? Because Im not so sure I can do it. I feel a lot like I did last year at this time. A lot like that. Alone. Cold. Except now Im hurt and Im afraid.
Im still trying though. I didn't cry in front of anyone at work today. I just excused myself to the backroom and balled. I didn't curl up in a corner and avoid customers until the an hour before my shift ended. I think Laura felt bad for me. She didn't even say anything. She just went and started checking out customers for me.
I just am falling apart. I can't even pretend Im okay anymore. I try and I fail hopelessly.

My life went poof.

2005-08-26T22:58:15Z

Yeah this morning....everything fell apart some more. My brother is trying to make my life hell. He's gotten my parents halfway on his side. Um yeah. I heard from my new doctor this mornign at 8. Im getting tested on Monday. I have an tenative appt. for that friday to well, discuss and possibly begin treatment. Sigh. She took me off a bunch of meds, and has prescribed me a bunch of new ones. Sigh. Basically I get to spend the week after next week feeling like absolute shit. Sigh. Great. Hopefully I won't feel to bad.
Then I heard from my dad at 10:00ish. Telling me that he wasn't going to get me from my house and take me to work..yeah that was great. And that he wasn't going to help my way of life. They also decided that I am no longer welcome at their house. No wait. Edit. I am welcome for short periods of time... Basically they have told me I am going to hell, which isn't exactly what I wanted to hear--and that they weren't going to help the process. My dad wants to know exactly what he needs to do to get me out of his hair. Sigh. Great. My family is no longer supporting. Sigh. Wait...they never really were...they just had little bouts of it.

I called travis after that because I was a mess. Getting yelled at by my docter, then my father, is not my idea of an ideal morning. Sigh. Yeah. I woke him up...which basically means I got yelled at.
SO yeah. My morning was a mess. I called up work to tell them i couldn't come in...they told me to call this girl and see if she could cover my shift...she couldn't but she did offer to drive me to and from work. Which was awesome. So yeah.

Today. Has sucked. BUT yesterday was bunches better. So I am focusing on yesterdays goodness and not thinking about todays badness. Lol. Yesterday was oodles of fun. Well dinner was boring. ANd I nearly fell asleep like a bazillion times. But then things got bunches better. Even though the phone thing upset me greatly. But hey anyone would get upset if they were replaced. So yeah. But yeah. I dunno.

I am exhausted again. Sigh. I hate this being tired and feel like I have the flu. Its getting old. Really really old. SIgh.

I think Im going to take a nap for a little bit....
I think my stress levels are through the roof....I just wish that me and travis could freakin be okay. I just wish he would just let us be okay. Let us be friends and be in a relationship at the same time. Sigh. I need that to happen. Cause Im falling apart at the seams. ANd I dunno what to do about it.

If you lie once you'll lie again.

2005-08-26T14:47:59Z

SO yeah. I have decided that the saying, if yoiu lie once you will lie again, is very true. I don't get it though. I don't understand why people have to be so deceptive. I don't even get why they just can't tell the truth. One lie will destroy trust. More than one will fuck up a relationship. There have been many. So I don't know what to do. Because I hate being lied to. I hate being deceived. I even hate it more, when I don't trust what they are saying, but because they promised not to lie anymore, I have faith in them...and then find out that they may have indeed lied. So yeah. Whatever.
I am semi excited about my tenative plans tonight. Like okay, I lied...Im really excited about my plans. Apparently I get to have fun. Dee decided to call up a few people, and see if they would keep me occupied when he's not around....ha. One in particular LOVES the idea. Go figure. But its cool. We get along really well, so it should be fun.
Tomorrow jes told me there will be excitement somewhere. Yay! I think it will be fun. Because Jes knows that Im getting sick of BS. So yeah. I think it will be SUPER fun. Plus its jes. Knowing her she'll make sure fun people are around.
But yeah. Anyhoo.
Me and travis went on a double date with heidi and jon...it was ok. Like I had fun during bits and parts of the night...like the parts where travis was like old travis. Then there were the parts that I wasn't so happy with. Like my replacement on his walpaper. For a while it was Gale from Sin City....which I can understand considering how much Travis loves Sin City. ANd now there is a pic up Shirley Mansons skirt. Not cool with that. At all. But hey, apparently it doesn't matter what im cool with and what Im not cool with.
Anyhoo.
Whatever. All I know is that right now I am not the overly happy. In fact I would say right now...I am anything but happy.
PS: My doctors called this morning at 8. I think they hate me. Yeah. They told me not good things, as usual. I hate them. I get yet more meds. Wahoo. Which will probably make me sicker than can be. They also confirmed my new appt. time and day with them Yay. or not. And we made appt.s for other things. Sigh. My life as it is SUCKS ass.
I just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear. Because nothing can be easy for me. I can't have a great boyfriend who apsolutely adores me...and is sweet and thoughtful...(I get the one who doesn't know what a relationship is...and continues to call me a clingy psycho woman. Sigh. I don't know why he still dates me. SOmetimes I just wish he would break up with me and let me go because I sure as hell can't break up with him. I can't make myself let go. He can make me let go. I think this is his way of torturing you. "I will continue to date you...BUT you will have to deal with the assish side of me that you hate, rather than the sweet side that you love and adore..." And of course I get to deal with fucking doctors making estimates on my fucking LIFE span of all fucking things. And who want to give me enough meds and such to probably overdose me. Then there is my grandmother who lost her eye sight...whose hearing is goign as well. Doctors have estimated that she will probably only be able to hear clear enough to understand what we are saying for about another month or two. Yeah. I love my grandmother. She is the only fucking person in my family who is always there. Yeah. And my uncle who is having serious heart conditions...
Oh wait. My daddy may not pay for school. So I may not have funding and I may have to drop all my classes. Plus, my parents might ban me from staying at there house. As it is, my dad hasn't called me back about when he can give me a ride...hopefully around 11:30-12....if he's still at home...which I am getting the impression he isn't. So yeah. My life. Is slowly but surely falling apart. And I don't know what the fuck to do about it. It doesn't really help that anytime I get anymore stressed than I already am...upset...etc...i end up puking up every damn thing I eat. So Yeah. My life is looking great right now. Absolutlely peachy. OOOOH and I still dont' have a car...and Im almost thinking that my dad isn't going to get me one...he has threatened that if I piss him off one more time he won't...well My brother apparently IMed travis and asked him if I was hanging out with im on Wed night....travis answered yes. BAD BAD BAD. I told my parents I was hanging out with heidi. So Im fucked. Yeah. Im not in good shape. And if you want to know the truth. Im fucking tired of acting like everythings okay. Because its not and I don't have control to fix any of my fucking problems. SO yeah.
Im just so fuckign tired of being the strong one. Of being "ok" of being cheerful when all I want to do is curl up and cry and lay in bed all day. Im tired of dealing with every fucking hting myself. Of not being able to tell my fucking family about my fucking health because they would flip the fuck out then proceed to tell me that its basically my punishment for being a crappy person. So yeah. No im not doing okay. AT ALL.