| | yeah i totally didn't think about this until like I don't know...today... I have to update all my friends...well at least some of them. Grumble. Sucks. Today should be interesting...I get to call school and work. Yay...wahoo...how exciting. Or not. I am trying to decide when i should call school...i am kinda sorta nervous about it cause i don't want them to deny my request. I think I am going to go chill at auntie laura's and tonight after I get home from mikes house I can update everyone and let them know that I am back....again. Lol. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | fixing... | | Time: | 07:23 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/awake_hammy.gif) awake |
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| | so i totally had a conversation with the boy about shit. We will see how it works out. It sucks cause his first girlfriend totally broke him in the sexual creativity area...i think its cause he was creative and they still broke up so he just decided it wasn't worth it. Sigh. I hate how ex's always fucking fuck with them, and sadly it would seem as though I only date guys who have been broken by someone else. I mean she totally changed him, which sucks for me. I don't think i have that effect which figures. Sigh. oh school is fucked. I missed the withdrawal date. Grumble. I am going to try to bullshit my way into getting them to let me withdrawal anyways. I plan on saying that the system fucked up, because I had gone in and dropped them, but i guess they didn't drop, and I didn't find out until I went to go and look at my pace form to see what classes i still need and found that i was still registered. i am hoping they will accept that. Otherwise I am going to try to pull a hardship withdrawal since i owe my dad so much money and I am having financial hardship...which is actually true. If they let me drop I will be able to work more, which means earning more money, which means I can pay my bills and have money left over. YAY! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Lies | | Time: | 04:27 pm |
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| | Lies lies and more lies. Someone shoot me and get it over with. "trust me" he says. Well I am sorry, but i can't. He lies. Not to mention he is a porn junkie. sigh. grand. Its sad how i just roll over and deal with shit. This is why love sucks. Shit I so wish I was more of a bitch sometimes, because then I could shove the fact that I know all this shit down his throat and let him know that I do indeed know he is lying. Shoot me. My good day fell down. And to think I thought things were going to change. Hope is a bitch. And guys suck..they always let you down. Always. Grand. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| decided i might as well start posting shit again. lol. haven't got anything else to do since oh i don't know...my life sucks. lol.
Nyhoo. nothing much is really going on other than me hanging out with mikes aunt a lot, and my planning of deviuos revenge plans. Yeah. I don't like liars, and go figure I am dating one. Sigh. But hey what can i say, it was my own fault. The sad thing is that I give chance after chance for him to redeem himself or clear the slate and let him start over, but go figure the very next day he fucks up. But what can I say, he is a guy.
Oh...the really funny thing is, and I am sure ya'll so don't want to know this, but too fucking bad, he apparently thinks incredibly perverted...which i was way excited about when i started dating him, go figure..no difference than the other...vanilla. Sigh. I mean damn. Its really fucking sad. And keep on asking myself exactly why am i still here? I mean really. THen I remember oh wait...i don't fuckign give up.
To make things better, a friend taught me a nifty trick with looking up history. I got caught sneaking, and talked about having to figure out how to get back to a page that I had gotten out of...yeah...true...kinda. But i figure if the fucker can lie flat out than what the fuck why cant i manipulate the truth. Oh and naturally i move things around in his room slightly so that I can tell when um shit has happened. Sigh. Failled the damn test again. I mean shit. He is failing shit left and right. But i still forgive and I still give him chance after chance. I mean damn the boy isn't even all that interested in me anymore. And that fucks with my head big time. BIG time. So today I feel like shit on the bottom of someones shoe. That is an understatement.
I mean I go from a distant omitting asshole (no offense to him, we get along great now) to a lying closed off asshole. I mean What the fuck do I do? Really. I don't know. I am running out of excuses for him. And I really do love him...which sucks more. OHHHH have i mentioned how i hate exes. I always get the damn doggy bag. The left overs from someone else. Its not fair. At all. I think i am going to send him a text message about how i still think i got the left overs. I am begining to think things would be a lot better for me if i was a damn bitch. It seems they get the better end of shit. They get tresated better, they get chased after. I am fucking too nice, and I get the left overs. I get thrown the occasional bone here and there. anyhoo i am going to go over to his aunts house and chit chat with here about how she should have a great day, since at least her boyfriend has everything out on the table. sigh. I just wanna curl up and disappear. And sometimes I wonder why I am still here, I mean all i do is make everyones life harder because I finally have enough of quietly getting fucked over and say something. Sigh. I continue to float in and out of a very very bad place. But I hang on, because I don't want to hurt people by having another breakdown. So I just quietly live in agony. Sigh. Ah the wonders of my life. And I really thought I got the good end of shit this time. That what hurts so much. nyhoo be back later! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Some boys suck--some boys rock. Its all about finding the ones who WANT a relationship and who aren't complete assholes. Right now...I just want someone to cuddle with...the way its looking Im going to be cuddling with heidi. Aren't I sad?:
SIDE NOTE: Laura gave me caffinated gum....and now im scarily hyper.
PS: Heidi thinks her brother has a crush on me....HAHAHAHAHA. Thats just plain out funny. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Is it bad when I wake up from a nap and get pissed that Im still here? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Dimly I can hear the bubbling from the water dispenser, the click of tape being ripped and the faint shuffle of papers. There are murmering voices in the distance, garbled together and impossible to understand. The swish of somone walking bpast and somewhere a door clunks as it closes. But I am far far away, for I have once again disappeared into a world of darkness and gloom. A place where there is no hope to filter through like a ray of sunlight. A place whre happiness from a memory of before can only temporarily penetrate. It is only a step up from utter emptiness, it is a wretched world, full of pain and constant disapointment. Deep down the dark crevice (sp?) that holds the empitness at bay gurgles and I feel the hollow feeling of utter nothingness. It is only breif and then the pain, the loneliness, the disappointment, and all the dark and depressed feelings crep back. And I am once again drowning in a sea of black waters. In this world there is nothing more to life bu the sea of depression and a never ending cloud of pain. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Im so bored its ridiculous. I wanted to stay in bed all day and hide from the world. But heidi and her mom dragged me out and off I went to school. Oh well. Ive gone to 2 of my classes. Am skipping the third one and going to the last one...well at least as much as I can handle with out going batshit crazy. Sigh. Oh and I found out the only day Im working this week is tonight from like 11 to 2am.
I made a dentist appt. for oct. 12th--i don't want to go.
I need to make an appt. with a damn psychiatrist- the other one never called me back. WHich sucks ass. But whatever. I'll do that tomorrow with the heidi.
I really wanna go home and sleep.
If I hadn't already skipped applied psych twice I would probably have just called my mom and seen if she could pick me up from marta and let me go and sleep. Sigh. Sleep is so safe.
Oh yeah. I called my grandmother. I wish I hadn't. She couldn't barely hear me. I dunno what Im going to do. I mean. I love my grandmother soooo much--and she can't see anymore, and she can barely hear. Sigh. I really don't know. But yeah. I dunno how her health is doing besides the sight and hearing--she wouldn't tell me. Which isn't promising.
Oh my dad told me last night when I went to dinner that my great aunt is dying. She has some sort of cancer. She's pretty nifty so that will be damn sad too. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | ugh. No work...bored. travis has a headache. that is all. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I am so not okay. I can't even hold it together. I so don't even know him anymore. I just want to go home and cry. I am a mess. What have I done wrong to deserve this? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I give up.
I really do.
You know when something is really important...even though its retarted...and you've asked and asked...and yet you still can't have it. Yeah. So I give up. I don't have the energy to fight for it. I can't even sit through an entire class. I am a pitiful excuse for a human. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Shoot me. I thought I was doing better. Now I just want to cry. I am trying to stay up and together...Im not doing so great. Edit: I am failing miserably. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | AHHHH | | Time: | 01:07 pm |
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| | I AM SO BORED AND MY BRAIN is going insane. Like INSANE. Its not cool. At all. I am thinking its from meds, and Im hoping that once my body gets used to it, it won't go insane anymore. Lol. Grumble. I am soooooo bored. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO bored. I should do something like do school work--but i dunna feel like it. Grumble. Maybe I'll go lay down some more and wallow. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I just woke up. I feel a little more clearheaded which is good, cause I don't feel like my brain is foggy. Grumble.
Um whatelse. Oh, ms. heidi watcheded tv with me last night after we got home--and we made fun of spoiled bitch girls. That cheered me up emensly. Me staying here has been a really good idea. Heidi is around most of the time--so I don't really have a chance to get depressed--once again--a very very good thing.
My daddy is apparently looking for a car for me, I feel so bad about them being so desperate to please me. I almost feel like I am taking advantage of them. Sigh. WHy oh why do I have to have to feel guilty so easily? Sigh.
Anyhoo. I dunno what Im going to do until like 4--which is when I think heidi gets off....probably watch tv...be bored...and surf the internet for hours. Lol. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Sigh. I give up. I am not having a good day. I want to go back to where I was this weekend. I didn't have to deal with hurt there. And right now i am hurting. I wish heidi wasn't in class, I could use a hug. Like now. Sigh. Im trying I really am. I suck though, so its not going to well. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Im trying really hard to keep cheerful and not get depressed--its not really working--but I AM trying.
Um lets see. Today hasn't been too bad--i think the weather and such is really sapping on my mood. Which isn't all the great, considering I am supposed to stay cheerful and try and not get down again. Sigh. Grumble. Oh well. Im working on it. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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